I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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