sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
