I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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