If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
