your parents love me but you hate me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
