my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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