when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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