very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Two words: blizzard sex
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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