I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She's the barista slut.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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