I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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