Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
