life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
