my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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