did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize