matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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