my being single is dangerous.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
