Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
