he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
