I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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