The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
