do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
