i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
