I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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