I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
FUCK WHALES
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
