so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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