I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
