I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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