I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
