If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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