Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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