she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
