Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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