I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
