when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
