Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
