i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
