I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
