Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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