I just pynch a tree in the face
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
And then he peed in my hair
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