The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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