It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
