So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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