I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
