I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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