hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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