woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
