Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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