I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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