Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
