last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Panties = found
Randomize
