I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
