My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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