Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
