I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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