Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
