Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
