pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize