No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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