I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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