Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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