I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
