I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
