I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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