There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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